Still. This word intrigues me. Stillness can be good or bad. The stillness right before a devastating tornado: bad. Stillness during a yoga class while calming your mind: good. I have not been truly still, mentally or physically, in a long time.
It started two and a half years ago when I switched jobs and hospitals. Opening a new hospital and have dual roles sounded exciting and like a great new challenge. Half ICU charge nurse, half EHR super-user, I was a hybrid nurse. Part IT, part caregiver, partly responsible for a full load of stress.
Then I switched roles again, from hybrid nurse, to full-time informatics nurse. Within 6 months, a role opened up in a corporate level position as a full-time informatics physician consultant. Since my time with informatics nursing had been mainly focused on the providers anyway, I thought it a good fit. My team was built from the ground up. We had no job description when we started and we all learned by fire: sink or swim time kids! While challenging and fun, I underestimated the toll that would take on me in the long run.
During these changes, I decided it would be a great time to go back to school and get my Masters. I was still at the bedside when I chose my track, so I enrolled and began the Master of Science in Nursing Administration path. Twenty months of extreme busywork and hoop-jumping awaited. Hooray!
I also entered into a relationship with a long-time friend and moved. Twice. So in a 2 year period, that was: 4 roles, 2 new apartments, a new hospital, a new relationship and a Master's degree.
Toward the end of school, I grew tired of being tired all the time. Everyone I talked to about it stated that "school is a bitch" and "just finish school" but knowing my body well, I knew it was more than that. My level of fatigue was alarming and abnormal. So I took the suggestion of a dear friend and went to a wellness center specializing in bio-identical hormone treatments. After a two-hour consultation and almost $3000 in lab work, I found that the cause of my fatigue was indeed hormone driven. Or lack of driven... none of them worked. And I mean, none. Hypothyroid, low estrogen and progesterone, but a clearly elevated cortisol level from years of being "on" all the time. Turns out as women age, the natural hormone levels drop. My constant state of hyper-stress just went ahead and bottomed out all those levels before perimenopause. Thanks!
In the midst of finishing school and taking 3 new prescriptions and about 6 new supplements, the boyfriend and I decided that after a year of talking about it together (and several years of me dreaming about it alone), it was time to make the leap and move to Florida. School was out, Master's achieved, holidays over so it was time to get cracking on this mutual goal. And without the added stress of school, I had weaned down to just two hormone prescriptions and off of all the supplements. I was ready for a new challenge!
I found a job and we started planning the move. And by "we" I mean he coordinated the movers, apartment here in Florida, and all the other details while I asked about a million questions nightly after work. He finally said to me "you asked me to do all of this... back off and trust me to do it". Point made!
In the midst of this planning, we took a little jaunt to San Francisco/Napa on a travel club vacation we booked last summer. It was truly nice to get away and do whatever we wanted, although the busy downtown atmosphere in a big, bustling city is not the most relaxing. While in the airport waiting to board our return flight home, I came across a book entitled "Overwhelmed: How to work, love, and play when no one has the time" by Brigid Schulte. I swear it called to me. Loudly. I bought it.
The book describes Americans, especially women, being in a state of "overwhelm" and how we compare to the rest of the world. It was then that I started pondering stillness. Admittedly, I have not been to yoga in a minute or two, but I know the nice feeling of stillness that it brings. The connection with you and your body, breath, and burning muscles is calming. There is little time to think about your to-do list when your concentration is on not falling over or vomiting during warrior pose. I realized after starting this book that I have been in a state of overwhelm for a long time. Starting seemingly small, the anxiety over everyday little things had overtaken my consciousness until I was unknowingly just a big ball of worry. Will the movers break things? How will I ever replace that money with this pay cut? Will the cat be ok on the trip? Will I like this job? Will Steven find a good job? Will we like this town? Will people be nice? Will I look too fat in my bikini? Worry. WORRY. WORRY! It was consuming.
And then the most amazing thing happened: nothing. The trip was better than I ever could have asked for... long, for sure, but totally uneventful. The cat was a rock star in the car. She slept the whole way. We had beautiful weather and neither of us had car trouble. Blessings all around. There was a slight snafu with the movers the first day but that was quickly replaced by my anxiety over whether or not the cat was going to go psychotic in her carrier for the 1300 mile drive.
We arrived in Florida and to our new apartment road weary but overall unscathed. The lease was signed, we unpacked cars, drove to the water and ate at a local blues bar with every fried seafood imaginable on the menu. The next day was the same thing. A few essentials from Wal-Mart, a brunch overlooking the water, complete with mimosas, and then some errands.
I have not set an alarm in days. I have rarely looked at a clock. I spent a good 20 minutes this morning drinking coffee on my patio watching Abby the cat soak up the sun in our screened in, first floor patio. As an indoor cat, when I saw the screened in porch I was elated because she can lounge around "outside" like she has never been able to do before. She flopped in the sunshine this morning and I remember vividly thinking how strange it was that I have spent the last few weeks SO unimaginably tense, and now my only thought is "look at how cute my cat is!". A squirrel even came right up to the screen and stared at me for a moment. I said "hi squirrel" and it scampered away. When the neighbor's air conditioning is not on, Steven said "Wow, the silence is deafening" and my response was "I know! Isn't it awesome?!".
My deepest thought up until this post was whether or not I should go across the street to buy vodka to put in my lemonade. Vacation mode suits me I think. I will go back to work next week and I'm hoping this week of calm has done some good and I will not revert immediately back into "go-go-go-Amanda". She is exhausting and annoying.
Steven asked me what our plans are for dinner later. I said "I don't know" and for the first time in a really long time, I don't want to make plans. I want to just get in the Jeep and go find a beach side place to eat when we are hungry. If that is at 4pm or 9pm, I don't care. My body and my mind are still and I am most definitely not ready to move just yet. And the best part of this whole transition is that I don't start work for another week. I can still be still tomorrow and the next day and the next....
